Why Do Those "In-Love" Feelings Fade After Time?

Two weeks ago I posted a blog about the chemicals that occur in our brains when we have an attraction towards someone and when we fall in love. There are also other chemicals that occur when a couple decides to stay together even after the "puppy-love" stage is over. What interesting research I discovered.

In an article by Lee Ann Obringer on How Stuff Works, she states, "The chemicals that race around in our brain when we're in love serve several purposes, and the primary goal is the continuation of our species. Those chemicals are what make us want to form families and have children. Once we have children, those chemicals change to encourage us to stay together to raise those children. So in a sense, love really is a chemical addiction that occurs to keep us reproducing." (A very interesting way of thinking about it.)

"There are three distinct types or stages of "love":
    1.    Lust, or erotic passion
    2.    Attraction, or romantic passion
    3.    Attachment, or commitment

With each stage there are different chemicals that occur in our brains. My previous blogpost touched on the chemicals during Lust and Attraction. But as Lee states, "The attachment, or commitment, stage is love for the duration. You've passed fantasy love and are entering into real love. This stage of love has to be strong enough to withstand many problems and distractions. Playing a key role in this stage are oxytocin, vasopressin and endorphins, which are released when having sex.

Oxytocin is released, which helps bond the relationship. The hormone oxytocin has been shown to be "associated with the ability to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships and healthy psychological boundaries with other people." When it is released during orgasm, it begins creating an emotional bond -- the more sex, the greater the bond.

Vasopressin, an antidiuretic hormone, is another chemical that has been associated with the formation of long-term, monogamous relationships. Dr. Fisher believes that oxytocin and vasopressin interfere with the dopamine and norepinephrine pathways, which might explain why passionate love fades as attachment grows.

Endorphins, the body's natural painkillers, also play a key role in long-term relationships. They produce a general sense of well-being, including feeling soothed, peaceful and secure. Like dopamine and norepinephrine, endorphins are released during sex; they are also released during physical contact, exercise and other activities. They induce a "drug-like dependency."

As Lee writes, "What about when that euphoric feeling is gone? The speed at which courtship progresses often determines the ultimate success of the relationship. What they found was that the longer the courtship, the stronger the long-term relationship.

The feelings of passionate love, however, do lose their strength over time. Studies have shown that passionate love fades quickly and is nearly gone after two or three years. The chemicals responsible for "that lovin' feeling" (adrenaline, dopamine, norepinephrine, phenylethylamine, etc.) dwindle. Suddenly your lover has faults. Why has he or she changed, you may wonder. Actually, your partner probably hasn't changed at all; it's just that you're now able to see him or her rationally, rather than through the blinding hormones of infatuation and passionate love. At this stage, the relationship is either strong enough to endure, or the relationship ends.

If the relationship can advance, then other chemicals kick in. Endorphins, for example, are still providing a sense of well-being and security. Additionally, oxytocin is still released when you're having sex, producing feelings of satisfaction and attachment. Vasopressin also continues to play a role in attachment."

I guess that's why you always hear that a healthy sex life is so important in a relationship! It is crucial. I do believe beyond the concept of chemicals people who are in-love need to understand that there are different stages and types of love. And to not expect that you will continue to have that "in-love" feeling for the entire relationship. But that the love can grow into a higher more beautiful level that overall is more rewarding and giving than the early "in-love" stage.


 

category: general
tags: commitment expert love

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